Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
You Might Also Like
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Cat.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.