Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
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I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?