Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
You Might Also Like
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Life is a suicide mission.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
The Onion called it…again.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Thursday
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.