Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.