Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP