Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I’ve been learning to cook.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.