Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness