[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”