Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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peep davidson
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
12653.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.