If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife