Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
You Might Also Like
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats