SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.