Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son