Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
You Might Also Like
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u