Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.