Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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