My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Finally, a door that understands me
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”