[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.