Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
🛁
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there