Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
You Might Also Like
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
o shit
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off