Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.