“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
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Krampus.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes