*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.