*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge