Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
You Might Also Like
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My first son he is wonderful
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?