Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.