Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.