Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.