Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n