[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
what day is it?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?