[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4