[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”