[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet