[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.