I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Born to be mild.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that