[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
BETRAYAL
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.