Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay