What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
this will hang in the louvre one day
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”