@TheTweetOfGod: Being God means never having to say you're sorry. Or anything, really.
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@CliffDuffy: Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
@simoncholland: I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
@BillMc7: listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk