@TheTweetOfGod: Being God means never having to say you're sorry. Or anything, really.
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn't give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
@blade_funner: [the invention of tennis] "I don't want this ball." "Well, I don't want it either."
@CPajamaShark: I've got this great joke where I kidnap people's sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide