Death certificates are our last participation award.
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Knock Knock
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on