Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Good morning, Twitter x
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Go girl power!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT