Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
It was worth a shot 😂