You Might Also Like
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Meow
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.