[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
This took me a second..
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Note to self: I am a note
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Remember folks 😂
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.