[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m not lazy
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Twitter is the new flypaper.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight