Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?