[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
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Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.