[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I鈥檝e been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[Slaps string cheese out stranger鈥檚 hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If you like pi帽a coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this pi帽a colada / It was caught in the rain
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 馃拃” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay