[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
#Caturday
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.