[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Thoughts
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down