A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology