[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
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If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
motivation
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?